GIVING ADVICE

I have often been asked by parents who are concerned about their children and the possible exposure to drug usage in their peer groups as to the best way to talk to the children about drug usage. Actually the question is a good one no matter what the topic since most of us know very little about how to give "advice" and have that advice heard by the person we are talking to.

This is such a real problem that the Northwest Florida Drug Council (while I was the director of the program) once acquired two robots in addition to a number of computers that were used to give information and advice to young people in our school systems about the dangers of drug abuse. The drug council found that a child will listen politely to an adult but not really "hear" what is being said if that message is a familiar one that they are used to hearing from adults. However, if they hear the same information with a different delivery, such as from a robot or the computer screen, then not only will they listen, but they will actively seek out that information.

The point here is that if you are conditioned or have developed the habit for not listening to a familiar input, it is a major task to overcome that obstacle in order to hear what is being said. In the case of the parent and child interaction the parent is very used to giving directions, advice, and even orders to the child, but is not used to hearing the expressions of feelings, attitudes or beliefs on the part of the child. This sets up a one way communications flow, which is not terribly effective overall.

I often advise parents NOT to tell their children about the dangers of particular drugs and NOT to tell their children what they can and cannot do in the nature of the drug usage. Instead, I tell them to express to their children their worries, fears, thoughts and anxieties about the issue of drug usage. After all, it's the children who identify strongly with their parents, adopt the parents' attitudes and belief systems, and that is where the real controls exist.

Many years ago I was conducting a group in an institutional setting for adolescents. Two of the group members decided to monopolize the group and talk about the very positive effect of taking large quantities of drugs. The group let them talk for some time and I did not interrupt them. Finally, one of these two boys turned to me and said, "but you're going to tell us that causes brain damage, aren't you?" I replied that I would not do that because there were controversial findings in that area. He then asked me about chromosome damage, birth defects, loss of intelligence…and a number of other popularized descriptions of damage from drug usage. Each time I replied that the evidence was at least controversial and I would not argue those points. Finally he said, "then you're telling us it's all right to use drugs!" I replied that I was certainly not doing that and all I could really tell them was that if I were in their age group at that time, that I was sure that I would not use drugs.

My antagonist asked me what my reason would be, and I told him that I simply understood how I reacted to things and I knew what guilt felt like. If I had decided to use drugs for even a short period of time and then stop, and if some years later I was to marry and have children, and if one of my children were born with a deformity such as one or two fingers not completely formed, and if the best doctors around told me my drug usage could not have contributed to the deformity,…. I was sure that I would still feel some feelings of guilt every time I saw my child being singled out, ridiculed, made fun of, or even having difficulties because of his deformity. I do not want to take risks with my life when I can't assess the cost that I'm going to have to pay for those risks.

The group had about fifteen minutes left in the session. Nothing was said for about five minutes. Then the boy who had been talking to me said "what you are telling us is that it's too late for me and my friend." I agreed that at least in terms of this argument, perhaps it was too late. Not one other word was said in that group for the remaining ten minutes until I announced that it was time for the group to go. Never again in that group were drugs talked about as anything but a social problem.

My point, of course, is that if I had tried to argue directly with the position that these two young men were taking, we would have simply had a social debate. As it was, by only expressing my feelings and attitudes as they applied to me, that group of boys heard what I was saying. It had more impact than any other argument that I could imagine being presented to young people.

Think about it.