ACCEPTANCE, IDENTITY AND BELONGING

It has seemed to me for many years that the most singularly important thing that children obtain in their growing up years is a strong sense of identification with one or both of their parents or a parent substitute. Identification is a process by which we develop some idea of who we are. It can be seen easily by noticing the differences in your walk as you leave a John Wayne movie or the difference in your speech if you are around someone with a heavy accent for a while. It is easy to pick up characteristics from someone that you have "identified" with but of course these are temporary and do not last long.

The strongest single feature that sponsors healthy identification with a good role model is the feeling of being "accepted" by the authority figures in the family. A child who feels rejected by his parents will develop a very poor self-concept and more importantly will expect himself to be bad and to be a failure. However, a child who learns that he himself is acceptable even though he may occasionally do bad things is much more likely to develop a positive self-concept and a strong identification with acceptable adult role models.

The need to be "accepted" appears to be a need that we as individuals never outgrow. In the same sense a fear of being rejected by others around us appears to me to be the strongest fear that we individually have and also may be the most powerful single motivating factor in many of our lives. This fear of being rejected is the fear that many advertisements aim at when they sell us scented hair spray, underarm deodorant, and the whole range of products hyped on the television tube. The message of these ads always implies that we will be more "acceptable" or less likely to be "rejected" if we use their products. Obviously, the message works because those commercials always do well.

I am sure that all of us will be aware of various ways that we recognize these fears in ourselves. What doesn't get recognized very often is that everyone has these fears in what appears to be approximately the same degrees. I think that this is very important that we recognize that these fears are common to all of us because when that recognition takes place the fear of being rejected becomes much more tolerable and therefore much less effective in controlling us. The recognition of this fact also makes many everyday life situations that we tend to see as uncontrollable, suddenly much easier to deal with and also easier to control.

For example, imagine a situation in which you are having difficulty with a store clerk over a product that you have bought and are trying to return. Imagine that the clerk had given you some reason for why the product cannot be returned. Think of the usual kinds of things that you say or the usual ways you react and the degree of anxiety and hostility that can be present in such a situation. Unfortunately, the usual end result is that you leave feeling bad, the clerk feels bad because he has had a hassle with a customer, and nobody is happy. One of the most effective things that an individual can do in a situation such as this is to stop the hassle and instead very politely ask the clerk his or her name. This simple procedure changes the interaction from a clerk versus customer hassle to an interpersonal interaction. Since it becomes a personal exchange, the fear of being rejected is now an operable component for the clerk. Therefore, the clerk is going to be much more concerned about pleasing the customer because rejection or hostility from the customer is aimed personally at the clerk as opposed to the store.

In your dealings with people if you make it a point to say something complimentary to someone about themselves in a personal sense, such as "I really like the color of your hair." You have now given an unexpected statement of acceptance to this other person which of course is in the opposite direction of the possibility of giving that person rejection. The result is that they identify much more strongly with you and their attitude in almost every aspect toward you will improve. The keys that make this bit of magic work are simply that the complimentary statement is given at a time when it is not expected and it is given in a form which is believable. It works best when it is a relatively mild compliment rather than an extremely positive statement.

It seems very unfortunate to me that many of us walk around spending our lives being defensive against the possibility of rejection by others when this virtually never occurs. Therefore the defensiveness is not only wasted but it keeps us from enjoying a fuller and happier life as we interact with people around us. Those of us who learn to freely give acceptance messages to others very quickly discover the real key to social interaction.

Think about it.